I never thought the day would come
when I would have to say goodbye
...but it has...
You hate me, I don't know why
Your sick of me, I understand
I thought you would always be there
...I was wrong again...
Things have changed
I know
It was expected.
Trust me,
you do not have my pity
you do not have my heart
I thought this drama would end
...I was wrong again...
Can't we be friends?
Times have changed, nothing will be the same
I guess I am selfish for loving
I am selfish for being happy
I am selfish for caring
I am selfish for laughing
Say the words
Ill fuck off and die
I thought I understood you
...I was wrong again...

4AM

I walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blamed my father for the wasted years
We hardly talked
I never thought I would forget this hate
Then a phone call made me realize
I’m wrong

If I don’t make it known that
I’ve loved you all along
Just like the sunny days that
We ignore because
We’re all dumb & jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
What’s wrong

I walked around my room
Not thinking
Just sinking in this box
I blame myself for being too much
Like somebody else
I never thought I would just
Bend this way
Then a phone call made me realize
I’m wrong

Love and Goodbye

I sit here thinking...what is to become of us? We have almost completed one of the biggest chapters of our lives, and yet, what do we do afterwards? We are only insignificant specks in society, how do we make our mark? In a way, I want to be finished with school and move on to bigger and better things, but there is always that part of me that does not want anything to change. I am so afraid that I am going to lose those who mean the world to me. It is a big world out there and I do not want to be alone. Some people know what they want to do or what they are doing. Whether it is going to school, moving away or traveling, everyone has something. Honestly, I have to say that this has been the best year of my life since I met you and have become closer with many. I do not want it to end. Although, I wish everyone good luck in all their adventures in life, it is going to be extremely hard to say good-bye. As long as you are happy and living your dream, that is all that matters. I leave you with these final words...

Be happy, be healthy, regret nothing, live everyday as if its your last, do not hate, love with all your heart, treasure everything and everyone in your life, cry when you want to cry, laugh when you want to laugh, be grateful, be yourself.

...Best Wishes, Rock On...
...I will always remember...

I don't know what you want me to do. You are bitter, thats not my fault. Why do you blame me for your unhappiness? Get over it! I told you no, my answer is still NO. Nothing is going to change my mind. Stop the tormenting, stop the blame, stop the anger. I thought we could be friends, apparently not. Let go of the past, nothing is going to change. Move on! It's not very hard. Leave me alone. I remind myself just five more days until your blame and excuses will end. I made my decision and I couldn't be more happy.

I don't want to be

The last few days have been kind of difficult for me. I do not know exactly why. Maybe its because I am stressed out or just because I am female, I really do not know. I hate emotions, well I hate the bad ones. Everything is just kind of all over the place right now. I do not know how to feel. I feel happy and sad, loved but neglected, found but lost, scared and somewhat alone. There are people out there who make me happy and you know who you are, but there are just times when I feel like I have no one to talk to. Fuck. See, notice how much I say the words "I" and "me". I am so fucking selfish and I hate myself for it. All I want is to make YOU happy.

I don't want to be angry
I don't want to be sad
I don't want to be hated
I don't want to hate
I don't want to be insecure
I don't want to be mean
I don't want to cry
I don't want to be scared
I don't want to be alone
I don't want to be lost
I don't want to be neglected
I don't want to be a failure
I don't want to be selfish
I don't want to be.

...This is my final goodbye...

Have you ever..

Have you ever had those days were nothing goes right and you just want to cry? Well today was one of those days. I planned to sleep in, clean my room, have an overdue talk with my mom about stuff, relax with my friends and go to a staff meeting. Well, I did sleep in but once I woke up everything fell apart. I got called into work where I endured 3.5 hours of being harassed and pushed around. Then I came home got yelled at for no reason once so ever and got kicked out of my house for the rest of the day. I do not understand what I do that is so bad. Everything is my fault, and I know that. I'm trying to change but it is just not working. One of the reasons is, is that I do not know exactly what to change about myself. Personally, I think I need to leave. I do not want to leave my friends or Dan but sometimes I get the impression that I ruin things. I get that impression from my parents and from some people I hang out with. I never really felt like an intruder or the cause of any problems until lately. People have been saying that they don't feel like "the group" isn't a group anymore. I can't help but feel that this is my fault. I am the "new girl" and I feel like I just pushed my way into everyones lives unwanted. I just wanted to be accepted by people and I am selfish for it. I didn't think about ruining peoples' realationships, spiltting anyone up, or causing any drama. I just wanted friends who I could actually call friends. I feel like I have found this in some people, but I am extremely hated by others.
This question is for anyone who reads this, and I want a truthful answer. Would life be better without me? Am I the cause of all the bad things that happen to people? Maybe your life and the lives of others would be less dramatic. I am partcially saying this because I am in a bad mood, but I do also want the truth. If I got up and left on the next plane to Scotland, would anyone care? I do not see why anyone would. Thats all.

At times I want to leave,
To never look back.
But when I turn my head,
I see you.
Without you,
I would not be here.

Pantomime

I've had this song in my head all day, just bare with me.

In my fantasy I’m a pantomime

I’ll just move my hands and everyone sees what I mean

Words are too messy

And it’s way past time

To hand in my mouth

Paint my face white and try to

Reinvent the sea

One wave at a time

Speak without my voice and see the world by candlelight

I ain’t afraid to let it out

I’m not afraid to take that fall

But I have found beyond all doubt

We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy no such thing as time

Minutes bleed into days

Avant garde

Show me your heresies

And I’ll show you mine

We only speak in pantomimes on this carpet ride

I ain’t afraid to let it out

I’m not afraid to take that fall

But I have found beyond all doubt

We say more by saying nothing at all

In my fantasy you look good entwined

In my hair and skin and spit and sweat and spilled red wine

You’re my deep secret

I’m your pantomime

I’ll just move my hands

I promise you’ll see what I mean