You look at me; my eyes focus on the floor
You talk to me; all I hear is the music in my head
You kick me, you push me; I sit down
You scrowl, you cry; I smile inside
You pressure me, you accuse me; I let it slide
You claw at me with your critisims; I can claw right back
Your words, your glares, your kicks, your accustions; they can't hurt me anymore; I've become numb
You just walked away; I didn't look back.

So, you who read my blog may have noticed that I am posting and ranting more then usual lately. If you're annoyed don't read it.

I hate people. Usually I really like people in general, I'm a pretty nice person, but lately they have been driving me crazy. People are selfish, they are materialistic, egotistical, and always wanting attention. I'm not saying that everyone is like this, there is a few out there and its really pissing me off. People will say anything or do anything to get the attention that they crave and I have had enough of it. I will admit that, yes, I have even done it in the past and now I slap myself in the face for it. You don't have to lie or make up some stupid story for your friends to like you more. If they didn't like you, they wouldn't hang out with you! And you people who complain about everything make me sick! Its ok to complain sometimes, but when every single word out of your mouth is about how bad your life is, you need to stop! Now, I'm not the one to judge how good or bad ones life is, but seriously you, yourself know, and most likely your friends know too so you dont have to keep reminding them. We get it, it sucks, but move the fuck on! Sooner or later people will not care what you have to say because your jsut pissing them off with all these petty complaints and lies. Pretty soon you'll lose your friends because they are so fed up with hearing it.
For you people that know me, I'm a very sympathetic person. So for me to be saying all this, you know this is really pissing me off.

For all you attention craving psychopaths out there, STOP! Your friends love you for who you are, not for all the bullshit you make up. They aren't going ot love you more if you make them feel sorry for you. Give it up! Talk to me when you really do have a real problem.

So this is my rant for the day. Hope you've enjoyed it.
Oh god, I need people to talk to.

It's 11:30 pm and I am so exhausted but I can't sleep. As usual, I went to work for 9.5 hours, found Gary, went to a house with people, then shortly after I arrived, I left. I've been thinking a lot tonight. I tend to do that, and it puts me in an extremely depressed mood. I feel so unbeleivably distant from everyone. It seems like everyone's moving on, doing there own things, and I'm just suck. I'm scared that I will grow so far apart from the people I love and soon, they will just forget me. I feel so bad for the pain that I have caused in others. Even though some of it wasn't my fault, most of it was and I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying anything, I'm sorry for being me. I regret the fact that I let important people in my life just slip away. A prime example, Kate. I didn't even see her on the day she left. I miss her so unbeleivably much that no one can understand. We use to hang out every weekend, and talk for hours on the phone about everything and anything we can think of. The thing I miss the most is having my best friend just a 10 min. drive away. I know people move on and do their own thing, but it hurts. I don't want to lose anyone else. Maybe, I just need to grow up. I always say "regret nothing"; I'm just a giant hypocrite.

I don't want to lose you.
You know who you are.

Its funny how time flies when your happy.

Wow I'm posting.

Yesterday was my birthday. I am officially 18, its not that great but oh well. Yesterday was a pretty good day. I just want to thank everyone for everything and thank Dan for...Well...Everything, and Tidey for dinner. It was awesome. Although there were people who I missed very much. People like Kate, Kelsey, Spencer, Mel, and Jenn. I got a voicemail from Mel and Jenn late last night. I love them, it made me laugh.

I have to go to work soon. I hate my job. I mean its easy, but I should be doing something more. I feel like such a failure. I should be going to school and getting a degree, but I am not. Every day I get a lecture from my parents. Its the same thing over and over again, and they don't realize that it makes me feel like shit. What are parents for.

I want to leave my house. I need my own space and privacy. Hopefully by Feb. I will have purchased a vehicle and I will be able to move out. Me and Alana were talking and we might move in together which would be awesome. She says that living alone is way to expensive and I need to move out with someone so its perfect. I just need out NOW.

I find myself getting jealous lately. I don't know why. I hate jealousy it's one of the worst emotions out there. It makes everyone feel horrible and rarely anything good comes out of it. I can't say way I feel it sometimes, its not like I really have anything to get jealous about. I guess I'm just scared that I might loose what I have, and I really dont want to. I've witnessed too many girls be so naive about stuff, and they end up getting screwed over in the end. I guess I'm jus that paranoid type that you here about.

Anyways, this has been yet another update on my thoughts and my life. Interesting isn't it....*cough*

The night was dark, the rain fell hard. The mist seemed to thicken as she drove. She'll admit she was driving too fast, but she just wanted to see him. She was running away. Away from the yelling, away from the accusations, away from them. There is only one person in her life that constantly reminds her that she is loved. That person was all she wanted at the moment. Tears clouded her vision, the rain started to pound the windshield. She saw the light ahead; green to yellow. She'll make it. Yellow to red, her foot hit the break. One second to late. She saw the two red dots on the black canvas, the two bright lights coming at her on the left....

She awoke on the wet pavement. Tears and raindrops cover her face. She can't remember a thing. Where is she? She sees the blue, red, and white flashing in the dark. Voices seemed so far away, but so close. A sensation of warmth trickles down her forehead. Blood. The sounds are getting farther away, the lights are getting darker...

Her eyes open to the yelling and screaming of people dressed in white. Everything is blurry, all she sees is white. Where is she? All she wanted was to see him. Not these people. She starts to remember the yelling, the accusations at home. What she was give to see those people one more time. She starts to cry. What she wouldn't give to see him one more time.

I'm sitting here, bored to tears literally. I've heard from no one except Ashley all day. I'm starting to think people fell off the edge of the world. All I want to do is go hang out, be around people who dont fight every five minutes.

Me and my mom had a fight today. Our first one in a long time. It sucked. She got mad because I was healing faster then expected and I wasn't working. What she doesn't understand is that she wants me to go to thanksgiving on Sunday, but the only way to do that is if I don't go to work all week. She's nuts. Since I proved her wrong, she says that since I'm not working, I can't leave the house. Woot, this is going to be fun.

I'm pretty sure everyone has forgotten about me by now. Well maybe not, but it feels that way. I AM SO BORED!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!! I CAN'T STAND THE YELLING AND THE BOREDOM!!! *cough* ok I think I'm done. GAH I hate this.

Not much has happened.

Went to Green Day, those four days were lots of fun.

I've been working, making money. It's not that great.

I've been trying to think of what I want to do next year. Truth is, I want to do everything. It is not an easy decision.

I get my wisdom teeth out soon. I'm really scared. People don't understand how scared I am, they just think I'm being sarcastic, but I am truely scared. Anyone would be if they went thorugh what I went through a couple years ago.

I've been thinking about stuff. Some good some bad. The good stuff makes me happy, the bad stuff scares me. I caught myself falling into old habits too many times this past week. It won't happen again. I now have a reason(s) to take care of myself.

I've been thinking of moving. Though, I don't know where. Nanaimo is cool, but I feel like I need to get out. However, there is that part of me that really really does not want to leave, for obvious reasons.

This has been an update of my thoughts and my life. Not that interesting, oh well.