You see me, and you turn the other way. You look down on me like I'm a bug. I'm the disease that ruined your life. Forgive me not. Your a psychopath. You thrive on the attention you get from others. How I loathe you. Honestly, you never really got to me the way you do now. I know you've suffered and I feel for you. I really do. I've worn your shoes, and I see how you hurt. Now wear mine. How does it feel to be looked down upon? How does it feel to be blamed for everything little painful thing? How does it feel to be completely innocent but accused guilty? Do you now see why people have distant themselves from you? Especially me. I thought we could be friends, but I was wrong again. How could I love someone who blames the innocent? I did nothing wrong. You can think what you want, but don't look down on me. Your disgust me. You are not holier then holy. You are human. So here I am. I am your scapegoat, I am your devil; wrapped up in a pretty package just for you.
Enjoy.

This may not make too much sense, it is just a bunch of thoughts put together. Forgive me.


Fuck you and your constant dramatic bullshit.
Grow up.

The pain gets harder to ignore. She waits for the phone call which will determine the rest of her life. Will she live to see her 90th birthday, or will she perish at the tender age of 18? This is not something she likes to think about, but the thought is there. She waits for the phone call...nothing. She is so young, but yet, so frightened. How can this happen to her? It was something waiting for her at the end of the path, how could she ignore it. She can't bare to put her family through this torture again. They lived through it once, there is no strength for it again. She waits....nothing. She is ready to give up. Throw in the towel. Raise the white flag. She can not sit through months of medication, chemicals being pumped throughout her body. She can not bare the thought of her body deteriating in a white hospital bed. "I surrender."

She thinks about her family and friends. She couldn't bare to leave them behind, she has so much to live for. Maybe she will fight. She will fight for all the women who lost the battle. She will fight for her mother, for her grandmother. She will fight for her beloved friends. She will fight for him. She will not allow herself to deteriate in that white hospital bed. She will suffer through the pain. She will take the medication if it means she will see his face once again. She will go under the knife if it means she will keep her friends. She is so young, but strong. The pain is still hard to ignore, "I will fight."

Yes, this is my second post today. Hey I have nothing better to do, and posts to catch up on.

She puts on her make-up. She curls her hair. She slips into her best clothes. The excitement rises within, it's rare her house is empty. She wants this to be special. She prepares a meal and lights some candles. Perfect. All she can do now is wait. She waits, and waits, and waits....
She smuges her make-up. She tears out her hair. She stumbles into sweats. What happened? The excitement dies, it is replaced with abandonment. All she wanted was this night to be special. This one special night. The food turns cold, the candles melt down to nothing. Her sister helps her up, she walks into the night. She waits, and waits, and waits...

I'm sorry, this wasn't meant to be directed at anyone. It was just something I had to get out.

You used to be my mentor. What ever happened to you? You disappeared, vanished out of my life. I don't know why, but I adored you. You were perfect. Everyone loved you, you achieved all your goals, you were the perfect dancer, you were beautiful, you cared about people, the boys wanted you, they never looked at me. As the years rolled by, you changed. You selfish bitch. The world revolved around the one and only, you. The wrong people loved you, you lost your true friends. I stood by you through all the pain, all the torment. You repaid me with the sensation of cold steel in my back. I sit here and wonder, "Why did I adore you so much?" I changed my personality to be like you and I regret everything. One day, I took one look at you and realized you were everything I hate. Materialism replace your values, took over your life. I, however, became my own person. I was no longer your shadow that you came running to then stomped on. I loved you when you were yourself, not the person you became. One day I hope you realize what you lost. You gained nothing.
You Egotistical Fuck

One night, sitting in solitude, she asks herself through hysterical tears "Why am I here?" She counts the people who care about her, there are two. She wishes she can be someone else, someone perfect. She thinks about the world, she thinks she knows everything; she knows nothing. She thinks shes taking the path to freedom, but it's the path to self-distruction. Internally she cries, screams and begs for help, no one listens. She laughs, but tears fall to the floor. She dreams of a place where she is happy, but the devestation of reality is not far behind. She looks in the magazines, she wishes she could look like that. The hair, the make-up, the body, the smile. She hides herself behind a materialistic demon. She gets up to dance her fears and unhappiness away; she falls to the ground. It's too late. No one can help. She lies in a broken heap in her room. She never asked for this, no one cares, shes not perfect, she knows nothing, self-destruction lies ahead, no one listens, only tears are present, shes fake, shes a demon.

Slowly but surely, she picks herself up. She wipes off the mask that hides her inner beauty, an angel shines through. She looks at the magazine, tears it to peices. She looks in the mirror, she sees herself. The hair, the make-up, the body, the smile. She starts accepting herself. She thinks of her fantasy world, her longing for happiness. She meets a boy. He sees her for her. She is happy and devestation crumbles. Her cries and screams turn into words, people listen. She knows nothing about the world, she is willing to gain the knowledge. She no longer wishes she is someone else, she's perfect. She counts the people care, there are more than two. One morning, sitting in solitude, she answers herself through a smile, "I am here to live."

The rumors flew
but nobody knew how much she blamed herself.
For years and years,
She tried to hide the whiskey on her breath.
She finally drank her pain away,
a little at a time
but she never could get drunk enough
to get him off her mind.
...Until the night...
She put that bottle to her head
and pulled the trigger.
She finally drank away his memory.
Life is short,
but this time it was bigger,
then the strength she had to get up off her knees.
We found her with her face down in the pillow,
clinging to his picture for dear life.
We laid her next to him beneath the willow,
while the angels sang a whiskey lullabye.

Its been a long time but I'm back. I decided that I just needed to post. I'm thinking about a lot of random stuff right now so bare with me or stop reading.

Relationships. All realtionships are tricky things. There are so many emotions that one feels that can drive an individual insane, but at the same time you cannot live without those emotions. Lately I have realized that all relationships are work. Whether they are romantic realtionships or friendships, they all require effort. To some, this may seem to difficult so they avoid these situations as much as possible. In my opinion, the effort is what brings people closer together. When you are having a problem with someone, tell them. Don't just run away and think that the problem is going to fix itself, because the truth is, it won't. Communication is a key part to a realtionship. By using your words and not letting emotions control your every decision people would be able to be civil towards eachother. Yes, I am an emotional person and I tend to let my emotions get the best of me, but that is one thing I'm trying to fix.

It has been and up and down day. I handed out resumes and everything was going great. I got home and got a call from my doctor that they wanted to see me. They said it had something to do with my heart. I'm pretty sure that nothing is extremely wrong, but I tend to overthink way too much. Now I'm kind of scaring myself which I do not need. However, after I got a called in for a job interview and I am really hoping I get the job seeing as I am broke. Things were looking up but then I started thinking again. Not about my health but the other people in my life. I kept asking myself, "Are people sick of me?" I just hope that if anyone is, if they would tell me so that I don't annoy the hell out of them. I know people need their own time and stuff, and I'm just scared that I am hanging around too much and things are dying. Then I started thinking that if there is something wrong with me (health wise), then would anyone care, or would they just brush it off and go on with their lives. I always want to make an impact on everyones' lives, a good one hopefully.

I was threatened to be kicked out of my house today. My parents decided to start charging me rent, and like real life, if I don't make that rent they will kick me out. All I want to do is get a job, save up for school, and be the person I want to be. Unfortunatly in my parents eyes, I'm not going to amount to anything. They told me that I should just be a secretary and get through life that way. I want to be more then a secretary. I want to be a doctor, or an interior designer, or open a world famous hotel/resort or maybe an awesome club in L.A. Hell, I should do all of it. haha right. Anyways, shouldn't parents be there to support their kids. However, they are stressed out right now so I'm hoping this is a phase.

The other night I had a dream that I can't seem to forget. In the dream Dan left for Ireland then he called me a couple weeks later and told me he never wanted to see me again and that he wasn't coming back. I know it was just a dream but I can't stop thinking about it. It made me really sad. What if its a sign. I don't know. He really wants to go and thats awesome, I encourage it. Although, theres that thought that he might not want to come back. Ok, this isn't going to be for a long time, things could change, I'm not going to think about it. *Not thinking about it* people are right, I am a nerd.

Alright, I think I am done my rambling for now. I told you that this post was really random. If you read it all the way through, then I thank you.

Love Always.