Why Am I Me?
Yesterday I read Karen's blog. It touched me but in which way, I am not sure. It made me feel regretful, sad, thankful, happy, disappointed and somewhat loved. All of these emotions combined and I broke. I can not say exactly what came over me. I felt kind of bad that Karen, in a way, blamed herself for how I am. She feels somewhat at fault for not "always being there for me" and "selfish" for not helping me. Karen, if you are reading this, you were always there for me. You were always someone I felt comfortable around and who I could go to for help.
I do not know why I am the way I am. I do not have very high self-esteem or a high confidence level. I was always the shy one. The one who stuck to her group of so-called "friends" who looked down on me and did not really accept me for me. They always thought my opinion on everything was dumb, they thought it was weird that I cared about other people, they did not like the music I listened to. Just to be accepted by who I thought were my friends, I had to be someone who I was not; someone I despised. I was lost. I was fake. I hated myself.
The past couple of years have been pretty difficult. My dad was going back to school full-time, my mom only worked part time, and they still had both me and my sister to provide for. During these years, they were not the parents they use to be. Money was short, and stress levels were high. They seemed to take lots of their anger out on me and my sister. I did not mind so much that they lashed out on me, even though it has been getting to me this last year, but it was Leanne I was worried about. She was so young, she did not deserve this. With all the controversy with WCB and the lawyers, it is something a child should ever experience. Nevertheless, it did happen. This past year has probably been the most difficult for us. My dad was cut off from school, and did not have a job to go back to. We were scared. No one knew what was going to happen. With everything going on, I sunk deeper and deeper into my own world.
For those who knew me last year you probably realized I was not...I do not know how to put this...myself, I guess. I was lost. I was confused. I did not know who I was, who I am, and who I wanted to be. Kate was the only person who really knew me, and thank her for getting to know me. The summer arrived and I met the most amazing people. I felt that they accepted me. I felt like I could be myself around them, not the person I hated. I thought, "Wow maybe things will change, maybe these people will be my friends and not just my 'friends'."
As summer proceeded I started to get to know these people better and better, and I started enjoying life more and more. I truely beleive that they have changed my life for the better. I feel like I can be myself, and I do not care what people think of me. If you like me for me then thats great, but if not..oh well. I'm not scared of losing friends anymore, because I am almost confident that I have made some life-long friends (hopefully). Dan, I consider myself to be the luckiest person on earth to be with you, you always seem to make everything all better. You make me happy. Thank you :) Kate, you have been my best friend for 5 years now. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but it just goes to show how strong our friendship is, seeing as we are still friends. Kelsey, it is odd how we have known eachother for 6 years but were never really friends until last year. I am glad we are friends now. Alana, I am glad we are friends. If it wasn't for you I probably would of left Wellington along time ago, but then who would you listen to Nirvana with and go to Subway with? lol. Wow there are so many people I want to say something to but I am scared to leave anyone out, so maybe I'll just make a general comment to all the bloggers who will actually read this. Ashely, Amy, Glenn, Mel, and all the others who I have mentioned and have not mentioned, thank you. You guys make life worth living :) I am grateful. I am happy.
I do not know why I am the way I am. I do not have very high self-esteem or a high confidence level. I was always the shy one. The one who stuck to her group of so-called "friends" who looked down on me and did not really accept me for me. They always thought my opinion on everything was dumb, they thought it was weird that I cared about other people, they did not like the music I listened to. Just to be accepted by who I thought were my friends, I had to be someone who I was not; someone I despised. I was lost. I was fake. I hated myself.
The past couple of years have been pretty difficult. My dad was going back to school full-time, my mom only worked part time, and they still had both me and my sister to provide for. During these years, they were not the parents they use to be. Money was short, and stress levels were high. They seemed to take lots of their anger out on me and my sister. I did not mind so much that they lashed out on me, even though it has been getting to me this last year, but it was Leanne I was worried about. She was so young, she did not deserve this. With all the controversy with WCB and the lawyers, it is something a child should ever experience. Nevertheless, it did happen. This past year has probably been the most difficult for us. My dad was cut off from school, and did not have a job to go back to. We were scared. No one knew what was going to happen. With everything going on, I sunk deeper and deeper into my own world.
For those who knew me last year you probably realized I was not...I do not know how to put this...myself, I guess. I was lost. I was confused. I did not know who I was, who I am, and who I wanted to be. Kate was the only person who really knew me, and thank her for getting to know me. The summer arrived and I met the most amazing people. I felt that they accepted me. I felt like I could be myself around them, not the person I hated. I thought, "Wow maybe things will change, maybe these people will be my friends and not just my 'friends'."
As summer proceeded I started to get to know these people better and better, and I started enjoying life more and more. I truely beleive that they have changed my life for the better. I feel like I can be myself, and I do not care what people think of me. If you like me for me then thats great, but if not..oh well. I'm not scared of losing friends anymore, because I am almost confident that I have made some life-long friends (hopefully). Dan, I consider myself to be the luckiest person on earth to be with you, you always seem to make everything all better. You make me happy. Thank you :) Kate, you have been my best friend for 5 years now. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but it just goes to show how strong our friendship is, seeing as we are still friends. Kelsey, it is odd how we have known eachother for 6 years but were never really friends until last year. I am glad we are friends now. Alana, I am glad we are friends. If it wasn't for you I probably would of left Wellington along time ago, but then who would you listen to Nirvana with and go to Subway with? lol. Wow there are so many people I want to say something to but I am scared to leave anyone out, so maybe I'll just make a general comment to all the bloggers who will actually read this. Ashely, Amy, Glenn, Mel, and all the others who I have mentioned and have not mentioned, thank you. You guys make life worth living :) I am grateful. I am happy.
posted by JB at 9:03 PM
5 Comments:
Jenn! I love you!
I have seen you change so much since last year- for the extreme better. I know i didnt know u all that well before, but from what ive seen youve become somthing really awesome-> yourself!! And whatta sexy lass ya are! ;) twoonie tuesday tomorrow. Ah Cobain.. ive been listening to him all day. genious.
p.s im going to prom with Rahim.
I do love this trend of self revelations we have on our blogs. It's nice to know everyone...like actually know everyone for once. Reality is just so...real. :)
Jenn, you don't know how happy I am that we still managed to stay best friends even though I moved to a new school and hardly got to see you. True we have had our ups and downs (silly immature 14 year olds) but it just goes to show that twinks are evil. I'm glad you finally found friends that care about you, and I'm also glad I found these people because now I actually have friends that like me. Love you Jenn.
I'm glad you found the strength to be yourself jenn and found friends who like you for it. :) I agree it is a wonderful feeling to have people know the true you and like you because of it.
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