Why Am I Me?

Yesterday I read Karen's blog. It touched me but in which way, I am not sure. It made me feel regretful, sad, thankful, happy, disappointed and somewhat loved. All of these emotions combined and I broke. I can not say exactly what came over me. I felt kind of bad that Karen, in a way, blamed herself for how I am. She feels somewhat at fault for not "always being there for me" and "selfish" for not helping me. Karen, if you are reading this, you were always there for me. You were always someone I felt comfortable around and who I could go to for help.

I do not know why I am the way I am. I do not have very high self-esteem or a high confidence level. I was always the shy one. The one who stuck to her group of so-called "friends" who looked down on me and did not really accept me for me. They always thought my opinion on everything was dumb, they thought it was weird that I cared about other people, they did not like the music I listened to. Just to be accepted by who I thought were my friends, I had to be someone who I was not; someone I despised. I was lost. I was fake. I hated myself.

The past couple of years have been pretty difficult. My dad was going back to school full-time, my mom only worked part time, and they still had both me and my sister to provide for. During these years, they were not the parents they use to be. Money was short, and stress levels were high. They seemed to take lots of their anger out on me and my sister. I did not mind so much that they lashed out on me, even though it has been getting to me this last year, but it was Leanne I was worried about. She was so young, she did not deserve this. With all the controversy with WCB and the lawyers, it is something a child should ever experience. Nevertheless, it did happen. This past year has probably been the most difficult for us. My dad was cut off from school, and did not have a job to go back to. We were scared. No one knew what was going to happen. With everything going on, I sunk deeper and deeper into my own world.

For those who knew me last year you probably realized I was not...I do not know how to put this...myself, I guess. I was lost. I was confused. I did not know who I was, who I am, and who I wanted to be. Kate was the only person who really knew me, and thank her for getting to know me. The summer arrived and I met the most amazing people. I felt that they accepted me. I felt like I could be myself around them, not the person I hated. I thought, "Wow maybe things will change, maybe these people will be my friends and not just my 'friends'."

As summer proceeded I started to get to know these people better and better, and I started enjoying life more and more. I truely beleive that they have changed my life for the better. I feel like I can be myself, and I do not care what people think of me. If you like me for me then thats great, but if not..oh well. I'm not scared of losing friends anymore, because I am almost confident that I have made some life-long friends (hopefully). Dan, I consider myself to be the luckiest person on earth to be with you, you always seem to make everything all better. You make me happy. Thank you :) Kate, you have been my best friend for 5 years now. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but it just goes to show how strong our friendship is, seeing as we are still friends. Kelsey, it is odd how we have known eachother for 6 years but were never really friends until last year. I am glad we are friends now. Alana, I am glad we are friends. If it wasn't for you I probably would of left Wellington along time ago, but then who would you listen to Nirvana with and go to Subway with? lol. Wow there are so many people I want to say something to but I am scared to leave anyone out, so maybe I'll just make a general comment to all the bloggers who will actually read this. Ashely, Amy, Glenn, Mel, and all the others who I have mentioned and have not mentioned, thank you. You guys make life worth living :) I am grateful. I am happy.

I Have No Words

In all, today was not bad. Really good actually, compared to my other days of school. I went to a class in the morning then decided it would be completely pointless to go to my other ones so I went to Dover for the day. Me, Dan, Will and Spencer decided to go drive around for a bit, and we ended up at Value Village. It was neat. The nwe went back to Wellington and picked up Gareth and Chris. We fit 6 people in my tracor, its a new record:P We headed back to Dover and hung out. For the next couple hours I was the taxi driver for my mom. It was worth it because she bought my lunch:D The rest of the night a bunch of us basically just drove around and hung out.
I got a call from dad, who was intoxicated, to come pick him and my uncle up from the pub. I wouldn't of been so mad if he would of just asked. Instead he damanded me to go pick them up within 10 minutes, then he started getting mad and making fun of me for random, unreasonable things. I dropped people off at their homes, then I made the journey that I dreaded. I got there and they were like "wait here for 5 minutes while we finish this beer". 15 minutes later they show up. They started making fun of my job, comparing me to my cousin at school, started telling me that if I don't start thinking then I won't have a future... random shit like that. I just turned up the APC and tried to drown them out. Didn't work. Oh well. I have put up with this kind of stuff for 17 years, I think I can tough out a couple more.

All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarden

Hey Guys
Yesterday Alana reminded me of this poem that one of my teachers had read out to us. I just wanted everyone to read it because it's such a good poem. You kind of have to read my last blog to understand where I'm coming from. (maybe I dunno)

Most of what I really need to know about how to live,

and what to do, and how to be,

I learned in kindergarten.

Wisdom was not at the top the graduate school mountain,

but there in the sand box at nursery school.

These are the things I learned. Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people.

Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.

Don't take things that aren't yours.

Say you are sorry when you hurt somebody.

Wash your hands before you eat. Flush.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some, and draw some,

and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday.

Take a nap every afternoon.

When you go out in the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup?

The roots go down and the plant goes up

and nobody really knows how or why.

We are like that.

And then remember that book about Dick and Jane

and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK!

Everything you need to know is there somewhere.

The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology,

and politics and the sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all,

the whole world, had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon

and then lay down with our blankets for a nap.

Or we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations

to always put thing back where we found them

and clean up our own messes.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are,

when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Ah the good ol' days

I love Photography. I am one of the "advanced" students (hahha riiight) so I get to hide out in the dark room all class without getting yelled at. It's tre cool. That was the only good part of my day. Well I guess my day wasn't too too bad, it was just pointless and boring. However, I did get to go to subway with Alana for our subs and then go to Future Shop.... and no, I didn't buy any C.D's. After school I came home, went to dance and did the whole dancy thing. Then I went to Karen's house. That was so fun. We haven't seen eachother since the summer. Personally, I thought she moved to another city and didn't tell me, but she came on msn lat night so we decided to hang out tonight. It was extremely fun catching up, eating chocolate chips, listening to music, and drinking milk. I miss the days when we played outside for hours and hours with Austin and Isaac and had absolutly no worries. Or when we would hang out on the road and hide or freeze when I car came by....haha yes you could say we were/are weird but thats ok, we had an awesome childhood. Or when we would climb trees and build tree houses... oh yeah and throw our Doodle Bears up in a tree and try to get them down with sticks, then if we couldn't get them down we would cry. Well, not cry, just complain. Ahh the good ol' days. Sometimes teenage life can be so stressful. I wish I could just go back in time, back to those days, where the only worry was...growing up.

Don't read if you are already in a good mood.
I can't even being to explain the amount of boredom I am suffering right now. This hasn't been a very good day. I had to wake up early and I got no sleep at all. I had to teach dance then go to work where my manager was a bitch. I guess it's my fault for taking Sam's shift tonight. I got yelled at for not bringing my report card home, and I know when I do I'll get yelled at more. I got ditched for my very own school prom for one of my really good friends. That's ok because now I can go to Dover prom without feeling bad about not going to Wellington prom. Nobody doesn't even want me there anyways. I have to go to school tomorrow and hang out with people who don't like me for me (excpet Alana of course). I wanted to hang out with people tonight but it seems like they have all vanished or are busy doing something else more important. Sometimes I can't beleive how materialistic the world can be. Well I guess not the world, just certain people. I was talking to a girl from school about prom dresses (it seems to be the hot topic of conversation right now) and she ask how much I spent. I told her about $415 for the dress and that I felt extremely bad about it. She's like "That's all. MINE was over $600 so there." Is this is suppose to mean that things that cost more are better... I don't think so. Personally, I would rather be poor and live a full happy life than be filthy rich and have my world revolve around money. Well, I must go try to find something of some importance to do.
*Bad mood*
P.S: sorry

Untired

I got a pretty good sleep last night which makes me happy because it has been a while since I've had one. I tend to wake up for some reason and can not get back to sleep, but oh well. On Friday I got my prom dress! Finally. I never thought I would want a black and white dress but I tried on this one and I ended up liking it ALOT. My mom approved so she bought it. I felt really bad because this dress wasn't very cheap. After the dress hunt on Friday, a bunch of us went to Tidey's house where the party was. It was a pretty fun night, once we got our booze. I ended up getting about 4 hours of sleep and realizing that I had to work in the morning. I felt fine which was good. However when I got to work, a certain pain hit me so hard I felt like I was going to die. It was hard to walk and felt like I was going to pass out so my boss sent me home for a little while. I took some drugs, got some sleep, then woke up and went back to work feeling much better. After work we went to Laura's where people wre watching movies and chillaxin. (yes I just said chillaxin) Anyways, that was fun except I almost fell asleep. In all, my weekend has been pretty damn good and we have Monday off of school so that makes it even better! whoot. Now I must go get ready for another day at J.J's. Bye Bye.

When did I start caring about money?

Well, I got the news on Monday that I have absolutly no money. Now that I don't have any money, I'm not allowed to go anywhere because I can't pay for gas. My mom flipped when I didn't refill the tank this morning, I don't think shes understands how little money my lousy job pays. Basically I am stuck in the house until Friday, unless I can get a ride somewhere but I doubt anyone wants to drive to my place. But anyways, right now I'm sitting in Photography class being extremely bored. 10 minutes until the bell rings. God I wish Mr.Long was here then I could actually get my supplies and do some work.
The last couple days have been pretty good. Monday was Valentines Day. I'm so use to jsut ignoring the day all together, but this year was different. I actually had someone to spend it with, and it was great! Tuesday was alright. I went to all my classes, even career prep :)

I am home now. My mom is acting odd. Once I got in the car I knew something was wrong, she was really pissed off about something. It was probably. She freaked out because my room was messy, but I don't that is it. I finished and I was trying to talk to her but she wouldn't talk to me. The only words that came out of her mouth was when she told me to set the table. I couldn't even do that right. She got mad because I used the wrong dishes. She's usually not this obsessive. I'm scared to go upstairs because she might get mad at me for something again. Oh well, this is why I have a basement; to hide. I have a feeling that she's going to tell us some bad news tonight at dinner. She hasn't been going to work this week, so it has something to do with that I'm sure. Well, I must go. Bye Bye

Title

Well it is Sunday night and that means that my weekend is coming to a close *tear*. Friday was pretty fun, I didn't have to g oto school because we all went on a Mal-U feild trip. It was kinda boring but hey I didn't have to go to class and we got free pizza. When we finally got back to school, me and Alana left early. We were walking to Subway and we see this van with stripes on it in the parking lot. After standing there for a moment, we finally realized that Will must have been around somewhere. We went back to our lockers and Dan and Will were standing there and that was prettty cool. That night, a bunch of us got together and had dinner and watched movies at Will's house for his birthday. It was fun. Saturday (yesterday), I worked and after picked up Dan and Spencer. It was a pretty unproductive night. We drove around trying to find something to do for most of the night. We ended up at a welly party after a while *shudder*. That was.... interesting. Let's just say I realize even more why I don't really hanging out with these people. Some of them are ok and pretty good people, but others (like the girls) are pretty twinky and materialistic. It drives me nuts. They look down on people and it pisses me off. It was cool though because Dan, Will and Amy got free beer,, I'm pretty sure they were happy about that. However, Shondra came up to us and told us that we had to leave because Dana didn't know the guys + Amy personally. I drove them home and got a call on my cell from Jenn so I went back to the party to see what was up with her. We talked and stuff, and it turned out that a whole lot of poeple got booted out of the party. I stayed for about 15mins then I was out of there. I couldn't stand it anymore. So far, that is my weekend. Today all I have done is go to work, and Im getting dragged to my cousins house for his birthday. I didn't know this until a couple minutes ago. I love it when my family tells me stuff *rolls eyes*. Now I must go and eat cake... again...whoot.

What does she have against me? What have I done do make her despise me so much? Being alive I guess. Today was not a particulary good day. I went to school, felt like shit so I came home during my spare block. When my mom came home the phone rang and it was an aunt that, lets just say, does not like me. She started telling my mom all these complete and utter lies about me. Since I was young, she never approved of me. It was always "Jenn's a bad influence" and "It's Jenn's fault". I do not understand how she could think or say stuff like this. I mean I was the most innocent and quiet child out of all of my cousins. I kept to myslef mostly at family events or I would socialize with the older kids. I guess she thinks I am too self-invovled. If you have a grudge against me, fine, I don't really care. It's when you start saying bullshit behind my back and telling lies to my family just so that they will look down on me, thats going to far. She was saying stuff like how I am never in school, how she sees me at night walking home hammered, and how I have no respect for anyone. It's her who has no respect. She has to talk about people and make their lives shit just so that she can feel good about her left. In my opion, that's pretty damn sad. I don't care what she thinks about me, I could care less. I just hate it how she lies. Now my parents don't trust me even more now and I'm even more of a disappointment. I got through to them that all the stories are just stories, but something has changed. I am sick so I'm going to go sleep. Bye.

Looking Forward

Today was the first day of semester two and I'm loving it. I am so happy I took my hard thinking courses first semester. Now I can relax and just do the subjects that come naturally to me. This is going to be way easier. I have Career Prep(spare), English, Photography and Comparitive Civilizations. I am very much looking forward to this. I'm finally in a class with Alana which is awesome because I don't think we have ever had a class together. This should be fun (hehe). I also have a couple classes with Michelle too, which is cool because I haven't really talked to her in a really long time. Tamara, my old friend, started randomly talking to me today. She was saying how much she missed being my friend and all that kinda stuff, but I highly doubt it was true. This is coming from the girl who basically used me and completly stabbed me in the back, so it is hard for me to trust her. Anyways, I'm just happy first semester is over and I can finally move on without stress from teachers or parents. Even though I probably didn't do too great on my exams, the past is the past and it's done. I don't like it when people dwell in the past, I mean, it's over and done with get over with. Of course this isn't directed to anyone specific *cough*. Ending with that note, I am off to bed. Byee

The Basement Rocks

I'm sitting here in my basement and listening to music. I am content. I jsut realized how much time I actually spend down here. If I'm not at work, school or out with friends, I'm in my basement. My mom brought this to my attension tonight. I went upstairs to watch T.V and I guess I was annoying her so she said "Just go down to your appartment". I thought that was kinda cool because now she understands that downstairs is my space. I love being down here without parents and a little sister and just listen to music, watchin T.V...just chillin by myself. It's my sanctuary. However, this is only true when I feel like being alone and just realxing. Sometimes I like to leave this house all together and be with friends. Speaking of friends, I am so lucky I have you guys. Before I met everyone, I felt like I couldn't be myself for I would get teased, so I put on a fake exterior. It sucked. Now I have friends who actually like me for who I am, and not who I pretend to be. The only person who has actually known me for me all these years is Kate and I thank her for accepting me. I thank everyone for accepting me. One person who I owe my happiness to is Dan. This is probably the happiest I have ever been and its because of you...so in other words, you make me happy too :) Some people say that your best friends are people who you have known the longest. I must disagree with this. There are people who I have known my whole life, but I don't really know them and they don't know me and I know for a fact that they don't care about me. To all my friends, you know who you are, I love you all and thank you for being there for me. Without you, I would probably die.
Thanks again.

P.S: I know I've probably rambled about all this before, but you know what, I don't care.
P.P.S: The basement rocks.

In all, today was a pretty good day. I went to work which wasn't too bad and I had fun. The only reason why I stay at that job is just because of the people. The people I work with are great and always make my day! After work I went to Glenn's to see how him and Kate were doing *cough*, then I headed over to Dan's house where his sister was having a party. I walked in to a house full of random people I didn't know, and I got kinda scared lol, but it was ok because I eventually found Dan. Tidey then showed up and little while after that Nolan, James, Will and Ashley came. We hung out with some Austrailian and English gusy for a while and that was pretty fun. Later I picked up Amy and we went back to Dan's house. After a while we got kicked out so we headed down to Tidey's. I didn't stay long because words were said that got me pretty mad plus it was 12:30am and I have to work tomorrow morning. Speaking of which, I should go to sleep. Night.

Done

I'm in a good mood. For the first time in a couple weeks I finally got a decent sleep, and woke up stressfree, it is awesome. Yesterday I finished my exams. It wasn't fun, mind you, but I finished them and now I don't have to worry anymore...until I get my marks of course :S. After my horribly not fun chemistry exam, I made my way down to work. Work was alright, there wasn't much to do but that was ok. Lindsay, Karina and I just sat and talked, ate pizza, drank pop..just relaxed. We closed early and Will, Dan and Kate picked me up. I let them in and I think the guys had fun haha. Will's 18th Birthday Party at Jumpin Jiminys, whooot! However, I must go and do chores *tear*.

One Down, Two To Go

I just finished my Biology exam not too long ago, and boy did it suck. I mean, I knew lots of the stuff but some of it was...*stares blankly at computer screen*. As you can tell, my brain is fried right now. I'm going to try to do this as best as I can with my mental capabilitlies at the moment. As I was saying, I finished my Bio exam and now it's on to Geography and the dreaded Chemistry *shudders*. How I was I had a photographic memory, it would make life so much easier. I'm trying not to stress out. I have come to the conclusion that it is not only my parents that expect too much of me, but I also have high expectations for me (I hope that made sense). It is one of the main problems I face in my life. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to go to Medical school, become a doctor, and possibly join 'Doctors Without Borders'. That is what I strived for during my highschool career, up until the middle of last year when reality came crashing down on me. It is a dream of mine that will never come true. Now, I am not saying that dreaming or having goals is bad. It's just that there is a fine line between fantasy and reality and you have be careful. Sometimes a person can dream and wish so hard that they cannot see the reality that lies before them and suddenly they don't know what to do with there lives. This is what I am facing right now. Do I give up and aim lower? Do I try to make my dreams come true, even though I will possibly fail? These are some questions that only I can answer. I have solved questions like these before, like "Who am I?" and "Is life worth living?". Through time and understanding, I now know who I am and that life IS worth living even though it can be fucked sometimes. Now I just have to figure out how I want to live my life. Fantasy or Reality?